dearest wendy

Thank you for being there. Thank you for listening. Thank you for answering the question I could not answer myself.
----
Despite the shit I went through recently, as strange as this might sound, I'm glad. I am walking forward and never to look back. What I realized after the events made me strong enough to comfort my mom of what is about to happen later on this year. I told her about never looking back and never think about the 'what if' scenarios because it only tears and wears her down.

and she thanked me.

---

today was truly a fairytale.

deep listening

You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less.

- Nhat Hanh

caramel bites

this week sucks.
my weekend sucked. i stressed the whole time. i stressed my mother and brother and others.
migraines.
didn't make it to my friend's baptism.
failed on my sculpture proj #2
failing people i love and assignments i hate sucks.

----------
it's a quarter after 11 and my car got towed.
i saw it happened. i didnt have the correct legal docs with me in order to release the towed car in time.
the funny thing is that i don't remember looking at my car being towed off out of the fucken garage.
i was swamped with fear and embarrassment. my mind was racing crazily.
----------
i like to handle my problems alone. i need time to think and sort things out myself for a while. i do not want to hear any whining, comforting words, sympathy, nor stupid suggestions from anybody at that exact moment. i need time for myself. so i walked out.
---------
earlier that night, i saw a couple of cars with fresh parking tickets before i returned back to my apt after a long lecture on engr in submarine.
i didnt feel like going out or doing anything - i just wanted to lie down and do what i do best, nothing. but my friends assumed me as the driver position and wanted to go over to one of my other frd's place to see the puppy in person. the reason i didn't want to go in the first place was b/c i was unfamiliar with parking.
well i did go. and parked somewhere with a sign before me stating i need a parking permit. i got comforting lies that everything was gonna be okay.

im so stupid. there were fucken signs telling me not to go. i should've listened to my guts. there was a fucken sign right in front of my and the passengers' face. and the parking tickets!
------------
i cried because i felt so damn ashamed and stupid. i should've trusted my instincts. but no, i had to listen to others. i should've checked the parking permit thing myself and not rely on others, cuz fuck, they ain't the drivers and it's not their car. so why the fuck should they care. i tried to calm myself down so many times but failed - i kept thinking about 'what if' - i could have avoided the situation by saying no. the situation could have been EASILY avoided if i said NO. so damn easy that im still beating myself over it. i failed myself, over something easily avoidable, and that's why i cried.



i trust myself that i will get over this soon.
-----------
today, i thought about my mom crying, crying over the divorce, over her kids, over life. and i think i finally understand the reason why she cried. she could have easily avoided this whole chaos if she rejected my father's proposal. it's so damn easy to say no.

i couldnt say no because i didnt want to upset my friends. i learned my lesson. just because im their friends, doesn't obligate me to be their constant driver. i do not know about my mom's case, but i think i understand her finally. now i need to go home and let her know that I am sorry for what has happened to her and how things turned up.

it's wendy, windy

i was a worrisome wart this past weekend
not cool on mi brain
my left side of mi brain is always the one being bruised
i need to not think ahead too much.
i realize that i am not good handling with failure
esp on my . and a friggin migraine.
i cried, and then
suck it up to make myself drive back to irvine.

i saw tarzan last night, he's so strong and supple. i want mi self a tarzan. haha. in my dreams.
and also watched peter pan, i wonder how he got to neverland in the first place. and how he met tinkerbell. and how the other pirates got there too.

-------------------------------
today i am feeling better though.
i found out later that only 3 of my classmates actually finished their mouldy assignment ... that news perked up my day a whole lot!
now imma try to mould the lollipop.
bare minimum

now i am watching mulan
im on a frenzy
my class registration is 2mrw at 8 am, i plan on taking only 3 classes, but will enroll into 4 just for kicks.

i've been researching for my eap italy trip
IM SO EXCITED
and frightened by the reality that IM ACTUALLY GONNA GO TO ROMA!!!
what the heck. it's mind blowing.

the others

hey wendy, this is weird for me also, but you ain't the only one reading my post. now others can read about my rant and my deepest darkest happiest thoughts. i don't know if I'm comfortable with this, but i will give it a try.

end of 7th week. boring, i know.

i have to make molds using plaster 2mrw in such a limited time
i've got 2mrw, sat, and sun. it's due on mon. im scared that i cannot finish it in time. i plan on making molds of these cake/pie slices.
glue styrofoam
wait for it to dry
set up mold
actually make mold
wait for it to dry
see if it's good to go
see if i have not made any mistake
then make multiple molds
wait for it to dry for each mold
then add details
paint

fuck this is gonna take time.

and i also have disc 2mrw at 3:00 pm
so i need to make sure to print out the wksht for that disc.

-------------------
i havent told my mother about the solvang trip yet
--------------------
went to subway twice. once as a hostage. the second time as a chauffeur. fuck me.

so about the second time around, i drove my classmate-friend to subway cuz she was way hungry.
i met her this qtr, like in week 4-5.
so after we got the sandwich, and i dropped her off, she asked, that next time she called, it's gonna be late and she's sorry about that ahead of time (she called me at 10:30 pm ish tonight). umm i asked myself, what would buddha do?
i did not offer her any rides for whatever 'next time' takes place and boy, does that sound shitty. but it's weird that she assumes that i will take her out to eat next time....

im just ranting. she is a really nice, cool person.

and you know, she kinda reminded me of myself a few years back - i used to think that if a person has a car, he or she will not mind driving me around here and there. but now i know. i know.
so for those who I've asked under that mindset, im sorry. i was a jerk who doesnt know any better.
i understand now how it feels to be the driver this time around.
don't get me wrong, driving is pretty fun and a really fun privilege but it does not mean it's a privilege for people to ask for rides in the middle of the freaken cold night to get late night food just because you are hungry and is just plain ol lazy to cook up your own meal.

okay, so this is a silly rant. and idk if im gonna be available 'next time'

the end of 6th week. boo-yah!

baked salmon.
ate it with cat the roomie.
delish. full.

now we are off to our next adventure: target and borders. im excited.
it's cold outside, but i don't wanna stay in.

you know, drinking makes me feel a bit at ease when im studying for an exam that is held the next day. and btw, i got a fricken A- for my envir geology exam.

and last night, i saw the movie: a bucket of blood. very pg. but the idea isn't.

2mrw imma go see vaginas. vagina monologue with cat the roomie. i can't wait.