caramel bites

this week sucks.
my weekend sucked. i stressed the whole time. i stressed my mother and brother and others.
migraines.
didn't make it to my friend's baptism.
failed on my sculpture proj #2
failing people i love and assignments i hate sucks.

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it's a quarter after 11 and my car got towed.
i saw it happened. i didnt have the correct legal docs with me in order to release the towed car in time.
the funny thing is that i don't remember looking at my car being towed off out of the fucken garage.
i was swamped with fear and embarrassment. my mind was racing crazily.
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i like to handle my problems alone. i need time to think and sort things out myself for a while. i do not want to hear any whining, comforting words, sympathy, nor stupid suggestions from anybody at that exact moment. i need time for myself. so i walked out.
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earlier that night, i saw a couple of cars with fresh parking tickets before i returned back to my apt after a long lecture on engr in submarine.
i didnt feel like going out or doing anything - i just wanted to lie down and do what i do best, nothing. but my friends assumed me as the driver position and wanted to go over to one of my other frd's place to see the puppy in person. the reason i didn't want to go in the first place was b/c i was unfamiliar with parking.
well i did go. and parked somewhere with a sign before me stating i need a parking permit. i got comforting lies that everything was gonna be okay.

im so stupid. there were fucken signs telling me not to go. i should've listened to my guts. there was a fucken sign right in front of my and the passengers' face. and the parking tickets!
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i cried because i felt so damn ashamed and stupid. i should've trusted my instincts. but no, i had to listen to others. i should've checked the parking permit thing myself and not rely on others, cuz fuck, they ain't the drivers and it's not their car. so why the fuck should they care. i tried to calm myself down so many times but failed - i kept thinking about 'what if' - i could have avoided the situation by saying no. the situation could have been EASILY avoided if i said NO. so damn easy that im still beating myself over it. i failed myself, over something easily avoidable, and that's why i cried.



i trust myself that i will get over this soon.
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today, i thought about my mom crying, crying over the divorce, over her kids, over life. and i think i finally understand the reason why she cried. she could have easily avoided this whole chaos if she rejected my father's proposal. it's so damn easy to say no.

i couldnt say no because i didnt want to upset my friends. i learned my lesson. just because im their friends, doesn't obligate me to be their constant driver. i do not know about my mom's case, but i think i understand her finally. now i need to go home and let her know that I am sorry for what has happened to her and how things turned up.