i think i know why

before, i've never knew why some people would commit suicide. i too never would imagine that i too will consider suicide.

dont get me wrong, just the thought of figuring out how to do it nice and easy, and might i add swiftly makes me cringe.

i've been receiving hospital bills and the rep. told me that if medical rejects the bills, theeeen the 'collectors' will give me a ring and hassle me about the bills. why hassle WHEN I AINT GOT ANY MONEY. will they send me to prison or what? give me bad credit? fuck that. bring it because my life already sucks to begin with.

i am worried. and i thought why is this all on me? im not blaming my mother for this. im just overwhelmed with all these payments and that they expect something out of me, a friggin unemployed person with no degree.

and i wondered how i can escape all of this mess, and then i thought of the idea of suicide. the idea of cutting out the drama and mess under my own control is such a simple idea. but the act of pursuing this idea through suicide is another thing. i dont think i have it in me to do such a horrendous act.

some could say that it's a cowardly way to go, but sometimes it's not, NOT WHEN YOU HAVE a couple hundred thousands that you're supposedly liable for when your adult life hasnt really begun (as in referring to my current position).
how are they, the collectors, expect something out of me when i got nothing. it's like im being cornered by a mafia, but a federal mafia. i feel hopeless. I want to hide forever. yes, they're are government beneficiaries but are they really willing to pay up for all the fees? some? let's be realistic here. this is a sticky situation that i find myself in and cannot find myself out.

it's the idea that i cannot turn to anyone for assistance. it's the feeling that having moral support and sympathy from my dear friends and family members may not cut it. it's the thought if i can go on any longer in this process. i wonder if i have any sanity left. i wonder about moving to canada cuz you know, universal healthcare. i also wonder about my future as well, am i going to make it to 30 years old with no more dealing with my mom's medical bill statements? am i ever going to get my studio art degree? Am i ever gonna gain control in this situation? am i ever gonna gain control in my life?
and the idea of cutting loose on everything was simply a wonderful bliss that lasted only for a minute.

so what you have read was just a spillage of what have gone on in my life without much gory details. so you tell me if the idea of suicide, of letting go and being free from whatever is causing you tremendous discomfort that you cannot turn to anyone anymore, sounds reasonable in my case. there are other factors that do cause me discomfort but i am not in the state to state it here for now, but the medical bills, damn, they do ache my heart.

note: im only discussing the idea of it, not the idea of actually doing it. big difference.