christmas list

booble's voice sure is soothing to thee ear

must see:
nacho
lord of the rings
--------
mar
gilma and her baby
dee =]
ashley
johana
daisy and jennypoo
jennie cheung


i feel awaken
i took my uncle's car
and drove all the way to another destination
to my friend's house actually
in commerce
with charlene's aid
it was sooo thrilling

darn
i am not sleeping at normal times
again
i broke my almost one week of sleeping no later than 12 am streak
booooooooooooo

almost christmas

exciting news: I PASSED PHYSICS
non-exciting news: i still do not know my grade for data analysis
i hate that class, i hate walking to that class, i hate using the computer in the computer lab, i hate listening to my professor, but i do not hate looking for/at hot tamales. that's right wendy, hot tamales.

so lately, i have gotten lazy. i rarely do walk/bus out to anywhere. also, i do not keep in shape. it seems as if i lost my compassion for local adventures.

today i saw my newborn baby niece. she's a looker. she's so fat and fat. yes i know, i said fat twice. and she yawns A LOT. so cute.

fall

What a tough quarter
I kept telling myself I cold have done better
This quarter
Any quarter really
Always criticizing myself, testing myself, pushing myself
And this quarter I really have out done it

I am a simple girl
I like consistency
I like to youtube
I like to facebook and aim
I like to catch up on TV shows by watching it online
I like to listen to music
Happy songs when I am happy;
Sad songs when I feel sad
Itis what gets me by.

Those are what come first
And studying comes later
Wishing to not lag on my studies is futile
Ive done it over a million times
And it only jerks my nerves with more and more force
Itis probably because of my confidence
Overly too confident that I will get the job done
I always have
Even though itis not my best work
Itis still something

I know I can do more
I can make it more
But I donot
Because I usually settle

So here I am again
Finding fault
Because itis so easy
To be hard on myself
---

I am pretty sure I failed my physics class this qtr
nevertheless
I am still breathing
And I am still catching up on sleep
I am excited for this winter break
I want to go travel and be productive
outside academia

whirlwind

i've been crazily planning and dividing classes into the remaining so years of my college career and then i realize i didn't have any classes for my fifth year. =] ahaha. so i guess i can take a chill pill and drop one of my current classes. today i officially gave up listening to the prof. and honestly, i don't know about my classmates, but im not giving in anymore. im tired. i have fucken physics to study for. oh yeah i forgot to mention, i wanna do EAP in italy and perhaps brazil. =] my dream.
. man, i sure do hold grudges. i like her sometimes, but when i think too much about what she did and said, it gets me fired up. haha. like a grouchy pitbull. but when i do think about the good times i spent with her, it makes me wonder if holding on to those memories are worth it.

moving on, politics! alright, so i read the mailed big pamphlet last night. yes i did. so props 1-12 or 13, its about: crimes/jail-time/police force; kids hospital; transportation rail system; animal's rights; and gay marriage of course. but nothing mentions about education which i find it quite strange. unless i skipped a page or two. all requires lots of money to spend and i just do not know what to say except for prop 8 of course. i convinced my bro to register last sat. i hope the form got date stamped today or else he will not be able to vote. since i was already registered to vote, i applied for the mail in ballot form.

i hate people when they say i hate politics. politics govern our lives, so don't hate the system, hate the people in it. haha. nah, i say embrace it cuz its america baby and we gotta speak up and walk the walk.

sad day

today is ending in three hours
cant wait
im wasting away my time watching gossip girl
my comfort zone

and i realize today that i dont have much close friends in irvine =[

first day sucks

it ain't even school yet and i dread going back
i have to metrolink back
and buy another copy of the key to the apt
and then mope and cry myself to sleep for at least one day from tues
and then class begins
sad face
i dont even know what class i have on thurs
nor fri
no mon tues weds
but i do know i have enough classes to keep me engaged at work
FRICK
i have to work
i have to do eft
blah

so my uncle came back from china today. he smokes. this means i'll be smelling smoke everytime i go back home for the weekend. gross. he's like the only person in my family who has a definite black lung. gross. i hope he soon realize what danger he is doing to himself and to the environment.
so i bought these american eagle green high heel shoes a few weeks back and i still havent worn them out yet! i will one day. i just need a dappy skirt to wear it with. then all else will just fall into place perfectly.

yays phelps

i like sad songs
such as tears of heaven by eric clapton
so sad

i took a chem midterm today
and i did aite
with some help

anywho
before the exams were passed out
my prof said something very wise today
he said: "everyday i wake up, i think to myself that today might be the day that i died, but only for a little while and for the rest of the day, i do not think about it that much and i try not to let the little things get to me, and also because I don't care."
you see, ive been having a small, rather GIGANTIC grudge on the ice-cream-fug-eater-girl for a couple of days now. and once i heard what my prof professed, i felt so silly and at that moment (before 9:45 a.m. today), i decided to fully let it go.
what my prof said was masterful (i wish you were there with me because you can tell he's a good storyteller) but its funny that, that is how i realize how stupid ive vented to my dear co-workers in the past few days.
i know sometimes i get into tiny fits and it takes a while for me to calm down and think reasonably. but today is a very special day because i have acknowledged my own senselessness through another who does not know about my ice-cream dilemma. the end.

go usa women hurdlers!

im just sad

i need a lot of down time
so i took a nap
and now im aite
still a little down, but whatevers.
my friend, who i looked up to and respect, made a decision to leave my apt. because my current fellow roomies felt this and that.
piece of shit.
of course i wanted her to stay, i insisted, but i knew she left because it was the best for everyone. i guess im selfish that i wanted her to stay because she was my very good friend and that I will not be seeing her so often since she already graduated from college. I just wanted to hold on to her before she leaves for good. plus she was the person who made living here more enjoyable and livable.

----
i hate meetings. apt. meetings.
i told my friend about it, but she grabbed all of her stuff and left. ahaha. so typical of her.
and so one of my roomie was like blah blah blah be honest and open, blah blah.
and i was just eating my quiznos sandwich, and TRYING very hard to not cuss out on her.
i just smiled a little bit and didn't really interact. i dont really care anymore.
one down, eleven months to go.

im crazy tired

i think im becoming more delirious as i continue to paint in my apt all day and all night today. very sad indeed. i hear faint fireworks. more sad. i notice that i sweat a lot when i paint, especially near my butt area. i hate it.
i went to smell melissa's coffee beans just so my olfactory senses are balanced and actually, it helped. i havent been eating a lot today since ive been freaking painting. ITS SO DAMN TEDIOUs. i have to get it done before i go back home manana, as i planned.
i freaken planned out earlier today late evening that i would arrive back home but i could not because i was still very behind on my project. now im just halfway. im planning to stay up till 2 am? maybe.

Dear Wendy

i need a bed and a table/desk for my new apt.
i moved some of my stuff to the apt today and found out that melchan had already set up her nice bed.
i read mechan's fb note and she said that she's super excited in decorating the place and that she's gonna invite ppl over for dinner parties. so jerome and i are planning to quietly invite ourselves and eat the appetizing chip and dip.

i wanna eat some ice cream later on today. when you and johana do sleep-over, come-over, whatever-over to Irvine, I MUST TAKE YOU GUYS TO Strickland's ice cream shoppe. its delish my fiend. trust.

well, i am feeling much better now; i still have some loogey, but its all good.

i went to the farmer's market in irvine today and it was fuuun. free samples of fruits and all. im planning to eat more healthier - like cutting down on eating the refine/junk/fast food and eating more green food. since the farmer's market is located near my new apt, i'll be sure to visit the market every saturday morning and buy organic good food. i felt like an alien at the fmarket b/c there's so many white ppl there. and white sellers too. Back home, I'll sometimes go to the fmarket in Alhambra and well you know, mainly Chinese people there. and hispanics too. hehe.
i bought frozen tamales at the fmarket. its okay.

anywho im still uberly excited for the new room annnd now i must open the books and start studying.
see you soon

p.s. i called my parents last night and they sound as if they were cool with each other. but i need to see it with my own eyes. i must admit, me crying over my parent's argument is very scary to me, before i refused to let it affect me, but i guess now, i am trying to open up my vulnerable side because I have been guarding myself way too long. i'll be okay. trust.

i am just tired today

I have a stomach ache. I think I am pretty much sensitive to mostly everything. I get carsick, airsick, seasick, you name it, I might have or will get it. Lately, when I eat out at restaurants I have never been before, I get a stomach because I am not used to the food’s flavor, which made me think about my traveling plans. If I am unable to stomach food here, how can I possibly do it out there? So I feel a bit down for not being able to be spontaneous because I worry about my health; so I guess this means I am sort of a planner, no more spur of the moment shit. Gosh how I miss those days. Maybe I thought I was one of the people who can spontaneously do whatever the shit they want, but I have been trained to plan and do the stuff I plan. Lately, I have been lagging on the do-ing part. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fun person, but I do need a lot of down time for me to refuel. Sometimes I feel like going out, but I really want to just stay in and stay in my little niche. I am not me two or three years ago, where I was free-spirited and self-unconscious.

So today I went out with my fabulous friends to watch sex and the city. Great, yet very long movie. I was not accustomed to the timing since I am so used to watching 30 minutes clips of the television show. Near the end of the movie, my mom called me and I rejected it (of course) and I burst out crying. Her call reminded me of what I was trying to ignore in the past two weeks – my parent’s soon to be divorced. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but I did not know that it really pierce my heart, its heart-wrenching. I’ll just have to keep telling myself its worth it in the long run. I will not have to hear them fuss about each other, to each other. I guess I cried because I know timing for me right now just sucks. I have finals very soon. I will not get any dibs in my future living arrangement ( I want out). And I still have a stomach ache.

I am seriously tired of having this cold war with her. Fuck contract. If I really cannot stand them, then im going to move out and wish them the best of luck. I do not want to live with them at this moment. I felt so screwed, so lost, that I just needed one thing to hang on to, to have one thing go my way. Like I said, I am just tired. I do not want to willingly give in. We’ll see.

Its almost twelve. And I haven’t started on my paper.

divorce coming up!

i accepted it
i do not tolerate her current, cynical attitude
its pitiful to see a person being driven away from their main goal by desiring to hurt the other person back
i do not know whom to follow, but if i had to pick and if my finance situation was better, i'd go out and live alone. maybe live in irvine for the remaining years just because at this point, I want to finish school and get my degree. im not sure about my brother, maybe he can go and live with somebody else.
all i know is that out of this divorce, i will be screwed at this moment, but i will not let it screwed up my future.

midterm this thurs morn
i will be studying all night and 2mrw night's too
i have fricken lab this wed
i hope it doesnt take toooooo long
im trying to learn and understand the concept this time around
and yeah, its tedious and shit, but it'll be good for me in the end

about china's recent disaster
it is very unfortunate
my sympathy to all those who suffered
i was completely overwhelmed and distraught of last week's events that i was not myself.
watching the news, i feel so stupid for not being able to do anything for them
im stuck in school, got papers, midterms, and i just feel so down.
ive donated money to red cross.
i still think i could have done much more.

i need to learn how to articulate and speak louder.

i need to write two poems.
one is nonsensical
and the other is musical

i need to finish up on lab four
and start on lab five or
I will be screwed.

i must pay housing fees
make changes to summer classes
pay the contract fees

but for now, i think i am going to go eat a bowl of chocolate mint ice cream with chips ahoys crumbs at my friend's place.

if you want to live high, live high

sometimes i feel like my thoughts are clouded
[update] frazzle is fickle.

alright
so im set on having two majors and one minor. i already planned out my class schedules for the next four years. I plan on having one summer off to study abroad. wanna join in, wenditz? this means i will graduate in spring 2011.
but i have not figured out my career choice.
i always have this image that I will be working amongst the great outdoor, in the sequoia park. but then i will miss the city life, well, actually, i will miss my small city and the Chinese food. and then i think about my parents and my family and how much of the family gatherings i will miss.

i remember a few years back in high school, i used to think that i will only go to college for me and find a job for me so i can be happy for me. but now, i am deeply confused, i feel being tugged a little to the idea of me working in a stuffy office for some lame company or business (which is my mother's goal in life for me. Ha). note: i am currently working in a stuffy office.
you see, my mom immigrated here so her children can get into a fine institution, and get a high paying job. my mom left her whole family behind to go to the United States with my dad and his side of the family. i could not think of another scenario to feel completely alone and lost. my mom sacrificed a lot for me and my brother and i fully thank her for giving me life. so return, i feel that the least i can do is live to her expectation. however, recently, my mother told me to do what i find enjoyable and the rest is history (that is what i love about her, her understanding my struggle and her becoming aware of the American culture).

so i am my mom's American dream and i choose to not let her down.

clarity. i like that word. i think i just had a moment of clarity. my mom feels a tad worry since i really do not know what to do in life. but that is the beauty of it; i am unsettled, i can go many ways, i can

dear wenditz

I really miss chinese food.
I dropped my math class! so hooray for me
I have a crap load of assignments
I have not been eating so well lately
I miss our trivial, daily chats
cant wait for summer
cant wait to see my new apartment
and new roomies

alright, now its mine turn to characterize myself
I'm a funny gal. I found out that I am one ever since a then second grade friend told me so. I've never really said it myself out loud because I am modest, or so I think. People I've met told me that I have a great sense of humor and I consider myself to be very fortunate to have such a valuable quality. A friend of mine once told me that she met a person who tried to be funny, but failed deeply at it. I was completely shocked by the fact that a person lacks a sense of humor. That's just ridiculous.
I think one of the reason why I am a funny person is that I needed to find a way to escape my life with my parents and all. Another is that shared laughter is soo shweet.

I tend to overanalyze my facial features and structures recently. I feel ugly. I hate scrutinizing my face but I cannot help it. I blame it on my former roommate and my mother for making me think about my own looks. But on other days, I feel beautiful and fantastic. Hopefully I'll blossom wenditz.

that's it for now.
too much thinking for one day

shambles

i like saying that word.

anywho my life sucks right now. hw constantly rules my life and i have little time to work =[
im not used to the lab environment. everything is sooo fucken chaotic.
i must adjust. i must bend or i will snap in half. =[
house meeting very soon
math quiz -->
poem
read

some clarity

alright, so i love the house. i love the location of the house that i am living in. i love the bus system of the city im living in because it stops near the city's park and library. i love how convenient it is that i can walk through college to get to the shopping arena. i love how close i live to downtown l.a. i love that i live near the semi-ghetto. i love the house. i just hate the squabbling people living in it.

my plans of getting my own place once im done with school is ruined. completely ruined.

my parents might actually go through with the divorce. both decided to sell the house off and split it from there. which leaves me and my brother with NADA. zip. penniless. nothing. my mom tells us that we can choose who to live with once they split; the thing is, i do not want to live with any of them. it makes no sense, no matter what, i am still going to be fucking poor. so why not be poor by myself.

so where i am getting at is that im forced to live with one of the numskulls and THAT I AM SOOO FUCKED. there goes my plan, my future to live out on my own and live my own life.

and i got to thinking, what the fuck, my brother and i have nooooo fucking say in this whole piece of bullshit. i wish i can say i hope they fuck themselves over and out, but them fucking each other's mind is going to fuck my and my brother's future.

so once again, im screwed. period.

sorry pedro. idk about the living out in n.y. shiz. ive got to make a living fast so i do not end up like them. i hope things work out for me.

old and pathetic

went to my old high school and i feel very old amongst the young athletes.
i saw some nice-looking, familiar faces, i had lots of laughs, my hair was flying all over the place, my bra strap was very loose, i like playing with ashley's ribbons, it was very nice.

and i stopped feeling that good ol nice feeling when i entered my home, the atmosphere is soo damn cold, literally and figuratively. i always knew my parent's marriage was not built on trust, but on chinese traditions. on some days, they could get along just fine, but on those days, those terrible days, things get very ugly and i just cannot listen to them bicker, especially my father. he'll spit out all kinds of ugly things to say. they overused the word divorce, and i always wonder why they bother to threaten each other. i just wish things were different.

no worries, i'll move out. i'll never have to see that house ever again. im not saying i hate that house, its just that the house brings back painful memories. there are some good memories, but the bad ones are so vivid in my mind that the good ones just got blurred.

spring break

today is wednesday.

i only have a few more glorious days to spend a day in the sun and be worry free from academics, yet, it always in the back of my mind.
im thinking whether i should take 22 units instead of 19, wondering if my professor for general chem B is going to be a cool dude or not. my winter grades will come out very soon and im anxious to see it. I think i did okay, as in barely passing my required classes, but at the same time, well, you know. i already have my summer classes all plan out. so if i messed up winter quarter, my whole academic plan is going to fall apart. there is no room for mistake in my part. I have very high goals and I will meet them. I hope that I am able to double major and maybe a minor. Another thing, I really want to go to hawaii this summer. Supposedly i only have one week of actual summer break if i do plan on taking two summer sessions.

so yeah, that's my goal for now, that's what im thinking now.

lately, ive been watching little mermaid with my little cousin, trying to familiarized her with american culture. last night she read the three billy goat gruff. on her practice state exam, there was a question that asked concerning the read passage, how it relates to the other american classic stories, such as red riding hood and goldilocks and the three bears, yet my cousin did not know any of the stories. the state expects the california students to have read and know the stories which i find pretty disdainful. anywho, im going to try my best to help her become familiar with america, but i will not change who she is and her roots.

i think the fun part of spring break is going to start manana where i actually get to see a buck load of my wonderful friends and just hang out and watch the noobies race each other. funstuff.

night

I was suppose to do my laundry except the laundry washing machine is not functioning properly.
I was also suppose to be studious, but i ain't.
I wonder, maybe if I stop listing what I should do, I'd do it, instead of lounging around in my room and staring at the gahdamn list.

I want to get outta here and go to Hawaii and dance while wearing a hula skirt.

alright got to make dinner and start on my work. its going to take all night.

my three day weekend of joy

aite
so I got a lot of homework

-catch up on math, im bebind like 4 assignments
-rewrite my art hist ppr
-type out my e.c.
-revise my writing draft
-revise my annotated biblio
-read "the five sexes"
-go over chem slides

-take my lil cousin out for her bday
-go to norms?
-perhaps buy some new clothes
-airwalks
-visit the brugg library
-visit my dear grandma
-visit my cousins?

have a happy friday

Bogged

so

i feel pretty down

the brace rubber band got teared off
my laptop is infected
my stapler is broken
i have two midterms this week

but at least i have plenty of good food/snacks for the week

I will described myself as a planner, more or so less of a doer. People expect me to whip up something good and they will follow up on it. And I do it just because I think my ideas are better and because I think the others are lazy so I just do it all for them. But today, I am tired. For once, I just want to sit back and go with the flow. I do not feel like being the planner today nor do I want to be told what to do. I just want to ly on my bed and just watch comedy on my laptop. Basically I am lazy at this point in time.
But of course I will push away my soft, somewhat smelly blanket, put aside my laptop, and get back on my feet. I will continue to be the planner because that is who I am. I like to be in control and to be informed of such things.

But for today, I just want to, chillax.

Dancing Dogs

Greg Maroney's music piece titled "Dancing Dogs" is beautifully and carefully played. I highly encourage you to listen to it.

And since this is my first post, I wanna give a shout out to Wenditz. She is the Shizznitz.