trouble, set me free . . . i just have to go there

8th week of spring 2009

i watched ugly betty season 2 hour finale ayer
and its bittersweet to the very end;
betty is a wreck b/c two guys are pulling her heart string
matt is a wreck b/c his first love failed him and become very unbecoming
henry is a wreck b/c he is hot shit and is with the wrong person
daniel is a wreck b/c the love of his life passed away
marc is a wreck b/c he never seem to catch a break
claire is a wreck b/c she is reminded of her other child
justin is a wreck b/c he did not get into the school of his dreams

and i am too a wreck
not only from watching such heart wrenching tv episodes
but seeing only failure today; i missed the metrolink. If I only had less fear of upsetting Bill, then I would have made it in time, If I had not eaten at Gallo's, I would have made it in time, If i had not wasted five minutes in trying to figure out the street direction, I would have made it, If I had not made any damn plans with ppl back in the city, then I would not have stressed about it, If I had only put myself first, I would not be in this terrible situation and be agitated with myself.

Lately, I have been putting up shit from others and I let it go and not make a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal. a BIG DEAL. when are things going to go in my own terms? why do i always think about other people rather than my own needs? I always thought I was selfless this way. perhaps this means that i find value in my life through others as a reminder that it is still worthy to live. or possibly this means i rather focus on other people than my owns because thinking about my life in the pp&f is unbearable. you know i had a difficult adolescent time that i am still unable to get over and that i believe i am going to find a job that i hate but need in order to support my separated parents, shy ridden brother, and susan.
gandalf form lotr said: "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us"
which g means to say is to not ponder on what led to the situation, but to deal with it. however, i cant stop wondering about the past because it is the only thing i know. i acted like a huge brat to my mother over the phone because I wanted to be angry at her because it was unreasonably easier that way; i still think i still dont have my own transportation because of her. i really dont want to be this way, but im angry at her, more angry at myself for being childish.

the only godly thing that keeps me going right now is listening to cat steven's song "trouble"

so yes, my missing the metrolink has triggered me to be over-the-top furious and saddened at the same time. i cried over it, over everything, over the notion that I cannot do everything, that I cannot be the person that others expect out of me, that I am no longer strong to uphold myself anymore, that I am not myself anymore.

plus, I got fuckened sunburned and tan.
its just me, my sunburned skin, and cat stevens tonight.
major downtime.