money money money

financial issues suck ass when you're broke ass poor

my broho and i have talked about our future and current situation and i feel more at ease even if nothing is really paid up yet.

property tax bills --- major wtf.
car insurance --- another wtf.
home insurance --- really?
utilities --- f me.
food --- will do =]

it's time to do business.

this is my new outlet =]

ONE MORE THING BEFORE I STFU,

a person i know told me that he understands what im going through... i dont want to reveal too much of his info but his sister is handicapped ever since she was born?.

first of all, i feel for him. must suck.

second of all, he dealt with this his whole life. i on the other hand am dealing with my mother's condition NOW!

third, now dont get me wrong, but his sis is handicapped, NOT ONE OF HIS PARENTS, who is responsible for the bill payments of the house, the utilities, the food, and etc. MY MOTHER WAS THE FUCKEN BREADWINNER OF MY FUCKEN HOUSEhold so

so once again, when he said he understands what im going through, no fucken way. his sister and my mother both played different roles in the family structure. how could he possibly understand? maybe he feels frustrated with his sister from time to time? well i dont feel the same towards my mother.

it's funny to think of myself as heart broken, not over a dickhead, but over my mother. i mean, that's some serious heart-aching. i dont think i can really get over this. this is my mother for god's sake, not some person i had a thing or two with and can be tossed over at some point.

done and so done.

microwaved brownie cookies and milk

im currently reading fruit basket, and yes a manga. i know, me reading manga, ridic. but it's pretty fun since i aint doing shit these days. i also started on harry potter numero seis!!! and im slowly and mostly off and on with chopin's the awakening <-- so condensed. what's weird is that i want to relearn basic physics. i always loved to solve the damn problems during school. and im slowly trying to teach myself chinese language. this whole paragraph makes me sound busy, but it's not, bc im doing all of this at my own leisure pace HHAHA

so about fruit basket, there's a character who is completely outwardly optimistic and friggin emo-friendly and she values what she has/had and don't really pay any attention to what she doesn't. well i do two things at once everyday. i wake up everyday and face my mom's empty bed. and i wish every so often, and then seconds later, put down myself for wishing because it only makes me more hopelessly hopeful. what happened has happened, and there's no way avoiding it.

recently, my little cousin (ironically she's my height now) went to visit my mother, her aunt. and my cousin havent seen my mother for quite a long while... my cousin cried when my mom did not answer to her greetings but only just laid there on her hospital bed looking sideway. that was painful for me to watch bc i bet my mother would grasp my cousin and hug her tight if only she could move.. i mean, i realize that this is reality and i've been hiding this reality from others who wants to know. how should i say it outloud?

also recently, my other cousin abc told me to ctfd to another one of my cousin xyz who's parents might actually go through with the divorce. well to me, my parents have been there, and done that. haha i think it's funny looking back at such hatred times, we are as a family so stupid together. i look at cousin abc, and i think her life is pretty fucken great compared to mines, her parents are the best and like each other, and both are fully functional and she lives in this great big nice house. and im whining. i cant help it.
anyways here she is, being the bigger person, cuz well she's older than me and much more mature and self controlled, telling me what to do and how to feel... she also hasnt seen my mother for a long while either. im not saying that i despise her for not making time to see my mother, im saying she prob. wont handle herself very well when she fucken sees my mother and maybe fucken understand my irrational frustration. at the same time, i kinda dont want to show her my mother because it'll just ruin her fucken day really. im kinda protecting her and everybody else who hasnt seen her recently, not that my mother is some kind of monster, but seeing her in her current status will make someone who knows her cringe in the inside.

awful remembrance

i need to learn to listen to myself even in situations where idk what the eff im suppose to do. that is why im trying to get a part time job. so i can wake the eff up and be productive.

today really sucked bad. started off good, but then turned sour. i remember feeling tired as fuck and annoyed at myself and at my aunt who kept pestering me over dim sum, and remember telling myself that this is how it's gonna be from now on, that i can no longer go anywhere out and enjoy with my mother again and not act childish to her and not confide to her when i feel like someone is annoying me, i really miss her. i really want her back and wish none of this had happen to her. now i feel like an idiot for making dumb wishes because shit, it already happened and im just volunteering myself stuck in this deep ditch. and then i thought what would my mom think of me when she sees me act this way right now? i think all of this was triggered because of...


last night before i went into deep sleep, i remember being at rehab ICU, early morning, my mother told me to not let anything happen to her when she takes a nap and i said okay to her. this was after the blood rush came out of her surgical site. i was fucken scared out of my mind and watching my mom so sleepy and vulnerable, i didnt dare show my fear.
so last night, i started to cry remembering how numb i was over the summer, how at that moment i felt so lost, again. but i couldn't because my mom needed someone she trusts to watch over her. i felt like i was carrying the weight of the world for both of us. i still feel that way.

---
i've been told all my life by countless others including my own mom that sincere mothers are very protective of their children and love them more than anything in the world and i have yet to learn that. but i think i have in a sense but towards my mother; i never knew how much i love her and rely on her guidance on life till this past summer. i never knew how much i needed her and how far i would go for her, how far i would struggle for her well being. i love her more than she will ever know.