microwaved brownie cookies and milk

im currently reading fruit basket, and yes a manga. i know, me reading manga, ridic. but it's pretty fun since i aint doing shit these days. i also started on harry potter numero seis!!! and im slowly and mostly off and on with chopin's the awakening <-- so condensed. what's weird is that i want to relearn basic physics. i always loved to solve the damn problems during school. and im slowly trying to teach myself chinese language. this whole paragraph makes me sound busy, but it's not, bc im doing all of this at my own leisure pace HHAHA

so about fruit basket, there's a character who is completely outwardly optimistic and friggin emo-friendly and she values what she has/had and don't really pay any attention to what she doesn't. well i do two things at once everyday. i wake up everyday and face my mom's empty bed. and i wish every so often, and then seconds later, put down myself for wishing because it only makes me more hopelessly hopeful. what happened has happened, and there's no way avoiding it.

recently, my little cousin (ironically she's my height now) went to visit my mother, her aunt. and my cousin havent seen my mother for quite a long while... my cousin cried when my mom did not answer to her greetings but only just laid there on her hospital bed looking sideway. that was painful for me to watch bc i bet my mother would grasp my cousin and hug her tight if only she could move.. i mean, i realize that this is reality and i've been hiding this reality from others who wants to know. how should i say it outloud?

also recently, my other cousin abc told me to ctfd to another one of my cousin xyz who's parents might actually go through with the divorce. well to me, my parents have been there, and done that. haha i think it's funny looking back at such hatred times, we are as a family so stupid together. i look at cousin abc, and i think her life is pretty fucken great compared to mines, her parents are the best and like each other, and both are fully functional and she lives in this great big nice house. and im whining. i cant help it.
anyways here she is, being the bigger person, cuz well she's older than me and much more mature and self controlled, telling me what to do and how to feel... she also hasnt seen my mother for a long while either. im not saying that i despise her for not making time to see my mother, im saying she prob. wont handle herself very well when she fucken sees my mother and maybe fucken understand my irrational frustration. at the same time, i kinda dont want to show her my mother because it'll just ruin her fucken day really. im kinda protecting her and everybody else who hasnt seen her recently, not that my mother is some kind of monster, but seeing her in her current status will make someone who knows her cringe in the inside.