awful remembrance

i need to learn to listen to myself even in situations where idk what the eff im suppose to do. that is why im trying to get a part time job. so i can wake the eff up and be productive.

today really sucked bad. started off good, but then turned sour. i remember feeling tired as fuck and annoyed at myself and at my aunt who kept pestering me over dim sum, and remember telling myself that this is how it's gonna be from now on, that i can no longer go anywhere out and enjoy with my mother again and not act childish to her and not confide to her when i feel like someone is annoying me, i really miss her. i really want her back and wish none of this had happen to her. now i feel like an idiot for making dumb wishes because shit, it already happened and im just volunteering myself stuck in this deep ditch. and then i thought what would my mom think of me when she sees me act this way right now? i think all of this was triggered because of...


last night before i went into deep sleep, i remember being at rehab ICU, early morning, my mother told me to not let anything happen to her when she takes a nap and i said okay to her. this was after the blood rush came out of her surgical site. i was fucken scared out of my mind and watching my mom so sleepy and vulnerable, i didnt dare show my fear.
so last night, i started to cry remembering how numb i was over the summer, how at that moment i felt so lost, again. but i couldn't because my mom needed someone she trusts to watch over her. i felt like i was carrying the weight of the world for both of us. i still feel that way.

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i've been told all my life by countless others including my own mom that sincere mothers are very protective of their children and love them more than anything in the world and i have yet to learn that. but i think i have in a sense but towards my mother; i never knew how much i love her and rely on her guidance on life till this past summer. i never knew how much i needed her and how far i would go for her, how far i would struggle for her well being. i love her more than she will ever know.