this is my new outlet =]

ONE MORE THING BEFORE I STFU,

a person i know told me that he understands what im going through... i dont want to reveal too much of his info but his sister is handicapped ever since she was born?.

first of all, i feel for him. must suck.

second of all, he dealt with this his whole life. i on the other hand am dealing with my mother's condition NOW!

third, now dont get me wrong, but his sis is handicapped, NOT ONE OF HIS PARENTS, who is responsible for the bill payments of the house, the utilities, the food, and etc. MY MOTHER WAS THE FUCKEN BREADWINNER OF MY FUCKEN HOUSEhold so

so once again, when he said he understands what im going through, no fucken way. his sister and my mother both played different roles in the family structure. how could he possibly understand? maybe he feels frustrated with his sister from time to time? well i dont feel the same towards my mother.

it's funny to think of myself as heart broken, not over a dickhead, but over my mother. i mean, that's some serious heart-aching. i dont think i can really get over this. this is my mother for god's sake, not some person i had a thing or two with and can be tossed over at some point.

done and so done.

microwaved brownie cookies and milk

im currently reading fruit basket, and yes a manga. i know, me reading manga, ridic. but it's pretty fun since i aint doing shit these days. i also started on harry potter numero seis!!! and im slowly and mostly off and on with chopin's the awakening <-- so condensed. what's weird is that i want to relearn basic physics. i always loved to solve the damn problems during school. and im slowly trying to teach myself chinese language. this whole paragraph makes me sound busy, but it's not, bc im doing all of this at my own leisure pace HHAHA

so about fruit basket, there's a character who is completely outwardly optimistic and friggin emo-friendly and she values what she has/had and don't really pay any attention to what she doesn't. well i do two things at once everyday. i wake up everyday and face my mom's empty bed. and i wish every so often, and then seconds later, put down myself for wishing because it only makes me more hopelessly hopeful. what happened has happened, and there's no way avoiding it.

recently, my little cousin (ironically she's my height now) went to visit my mother, her aunt. and my cousin havent seen my mother for quite a long while... my cousin cried when my mom did not answer to her greetings but only just laid there on her hospital bed looking sideway. that was painful for me to watch bc i bet my mother would grasp my cousin and hug her tight if only she could move.. i mean, i realize that this is reality and i've been hiding this reality from others who wants to know. how should i say it outloud?

also recently, my other cousin abc told me to ctfd to another one of my cousin xyz who's parents might actually go through with the divorce. well to me, my parents have been there, and done that. haha i think it's funny looking back at such hatred times, we are as a family so stupid together. i look at cousin abc, and i think her life is pretty fucken great compared to mines, her parents are the best and like each other, and both are fully functional and she lives in this great big nice house. and im whining. i cant help it.
anyways here she is, being the bigger person, cuz well she's older than me and much more mature and self controlled, telling me what to do and how to feel... she also hasnt seen my mother for a long while either. im not saying that i despise her for not making time to see my mother, im saying she prob. wont handle herself very well when she fucken sees my mother and maybe fucken understand my irrational frustration. at the same time, i kinda dont want to show her my mother because it'll just ruin her fucken day really. im kinda protecting her and everybody else who hasnt seen her recently, not that my mother is some kind of monster, but seeing her in her current status will make someone who knows her cringe in the inside.

awful remembrance

i need to learn to listen to myself even in situations where idk what the eff im suppose to do. that is why im trying to get a part time job. so i can wake the eff up and be productive.

today really sucked bad. started off good, but then turned sour. i remember feeling tired as fuck and annoyed at myself and at my aunt who kept pestering me over dim sum, and remember telling myself that this is how it's gonna be from now on, that i can no longer go anywhere out and enjoy with my mother again and not act childish to her and not confide to her when i feel like someone is annoying me, i really miss her. i really want her back and wish none of this had happen to her. now i feel like an idiot for making dumb wishes because shit, it already happened and im just volunteering myself stuck in this deep ditch. and then i thought what would my mom think of me when she sees me act this way right now? i think all of this was triggered because of...


last night before i went into deep sleep, i remember being at rehab ICU, early morning, my mother told me to not let anything happen to her when she takes a nap and i said okay to her. this was after the blood rush came out of her surgical site. i was fucken scared out of my mind and watching my mom so sleepy and vulnerable, i didnt dare show my fear.
so last night, i started to cry remembering how numb i was over the summer, how at that moment i felt so lost, again. but i couldn't because my mom needed someone she trusts to watch over her. i felt like i was carrying the weight of the world for both of us. i still feel that way.

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i've been told all my life by countless others including my own mom that sincere mothers are very protective of their children and love them more than anything in the world and i have yet to learn that. but i think i have in a sense but towards my mother; i never knew how much i love her and rely on her guidance on life till this past summer. i never knew how much i needed her and how far i would go for her, how far i would struggle for her well being. i love her more than she will ever know.

irrational

i have an anger issue. big one. if i get upset, even just a little, i go full out, as if you havent notice. and the scary part is that i really can't control it until i resolve it on my own terms, and it's mostly irrational. but hey, it calms me the fuck down. im not trying to excuse myself; im telling you how it's done lately.

have you ever been extremely upset that you don't care if you sound stupid or not, because the small dilemma you were dealing with suddenly became this big one because you made it as one and someone else tells you to chill and that your blowing out of proportion, well i HATE hate hate that person for telling me so BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW IT'S DUMB AND I DONT NEED THE PERSON TO REITERATE MY THOUGHTS AND MAKE Me feel inferior. all i want to do is fucken rant, which im doing so perfectly well here, and if i want an advice or a put down, then i'd ask, but in the meantime, stfum.

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i wish there was someone out there that is going through the same friggin ordeal im going through, so i can check myself if im too hard or too lenient on myself. i really wish there was a self guide book for this matter. we've all been taught how to find answers and for this situation, there's really no definite answer which makes me maad.

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learning chinese characters makes me tiiiiired.

the thoughts do count

i said what i wanted to say, and now i can move on.

i think the point of me writing my previous message was me hoping for the other to let me have this one, whether it makes sense or not. and i thought about me in the other person's position and whether if i ever would let me have a go in this one. i hope that i do have a sixth sense to let go of a petty arg when someone is just acting out because s/he is deeply in pain and sorrow.

i realize that college does not teach you real life's shit, and it's not really suppose to. it's an area where you act like a sponge and the one who can soak up the most water wins. it's more like a bubble where day to day small problems are in the top of my concerns, such as homework and annoying roommates, and annoying roommates who steal food. college is like a safe haven for me, which i miss greatly.

i just finished watching knight and day movie and it's pretty good. i like the humor. i can't wait for the movie easy A.

i've been thinking a lot lately about getting a tattoo. i want one. a tattoo in text format. i prefer something plain and small font. i think i want 'good grief' and/or a quote on my arms.

lately

the utilities bills are pretty pricey

im fucking ranting... bills are an issue currently

and iono if its better if they move out or not. we'd be paying less bills and eating less salty shitty food for sure.

i think i know why

before, i've never knew why some people would commit suicide. i too never would imagine that i too will consider suicide.

dont get me wrong, just the thought of figuring out how to do it nice and easy, and might i add swiftly makes me cringe.

i've been receiving hospital bills and the rep. told me that if medical rejects the bills, theeeen the 'collectors' will give me a ring and hassle me about the bills. why hassle WHEN I AINT GOT ANY MONEY. will they send me to prison or what? give me bad credit? fuck that. bring it because my life already sucks to begin with.

i am worried. and i thought why is this all on me? im not blaming my mother for this. im just overwhelmed with all these payments and that they expect something out of me, a friggin unemployed person with no degree.

and i wondered how i can escape all of this mess, and then i thought of the idea of suicide. the idea of cutting out the drama and mess under my own control is such a simple idea. but the act of pursuing this idea through suicide is another thing. i dont think i have it in me to do such a horrendous act.

some could say that it's a cowardly way to go, but sometimes it's not, NOT WHEN YOU HAVE a couple hundred thousands that you're supposedly liable for when your adult life hasnt really begun (as in referring to my current position).
how are they, the collectors, expect something out of me when i got nothing. it's like im being cornered by a mafia, but a federal mafia. i feel hopeless. I want to hide forever. yes, they're are government beneficiaries but are they really willing to pay up for all the fees? some? let's be realistic here. this is a sticky situation that i find myself in and cannot find myself out.

it's the idea that i cannot turn to anyone for assistance. it's the feeling that having moral support and sympathy from my dear friends and family members may not cut it. it's the thought if i can go on any longer in this process. i wonder if i have any sanity left. i wonder about moving to canada cuz you know, universal healthcare. i also wonder about my future as well, am i going to make it to 30 years old with no more dealing with my mom's medical bill statements? am i ever going to get my studio art degree? Am i ever gonna gain control in this situation? am i ever gonna gain control in my life?
and the idea of cutting loose on everything was simply a wonderful bliss that lasted only for a minute.

so what you have read was just a spillage of what have gone on in my life without much gory details. so you tell me if the idea of suicide, of letting go and being free from whatever is causing you tremendous discomfort that you cannot turn to anyone anymore, sounds reasonable in my case. there are other factors that do cause me discomfort but i am not in the state to state it here for now, but the medical bills, damn, they do ache my heart.

note: im only discussing the idea of it, not the idea of actually doing it. big difference.