so i've been complaining a lot a lot a lot

hello and good morning. according to my horoscope, 7-9 am are my power time. and it's 7:17 am as of now.

im currently halfway through eat pray love. juliet roberts is the woman to watch. in the movie, she narrated, be prepare for the waves of transformation. something along that line. and that statement i must reflect upon or else i might break myself in the end. i need to really let go. i really want to! let go of this hold i have on nothing and completely free my mind.

so here, im gonna write a rough draft letter to my mother:

dear mama,

can you believe it? what has become of us. i think about it every night before i head into deep sleep. it's a real nightmare that slowly fades away yet occurs when the day gets colder, and the sky darkens, and the streets quiet down. i feel like my life force has evaporated into thin air each passing day with you not by my side; it's been almost 6 months having this awful feeling.

i know you're in pain mama, but i couldn't and wouldn't fathom what you're actually going through. i too am in pain. im in a constant battle with myself and the world. this is hard for me to say outloud, but i want you to know that my love for you will never die and i am not giving up on you. the funny thing is that, i realized now that i gave up on myself a while back.

i need to wake up out of my slum and start living before i kill myself over this. what im doing is not good for the both of us, and im sorry. fear has really brought me to my knees. i need to learn how to stand again, on my own this time, and with your resounding advices and help from our love ones, i will walk again. i know you didnt raise me to be in my current position so im going to make you proud so that one day, you can be besides me.

twenty two

i am 22 today. i am eternally grateful to have such a great mother, i wished i would have known that from the start and expressed it more outwardly to her. i hope i can one day do the same.

hello

i think i want to start a new blog or whatever cuz whenever i come back here, it's a place i dont want to come back to. it's full of senseless frustration and i want to be apart from it. it's a constant reminder of who i became this past summer and i dont want to be that person anymore.

i want to start fresh. i want to be a happier person despite what happened to me and my family. i took advantage of my humdrum steady life, so now im grateful of what i had and have right now. i hear people say that my mother has it tough right now because they know that she is fully conscious of what all has happened to her, and they pity her, saying that it would be better if she did not know anything at all.

well, i'm selfish. i want her to know everything that had and has happened to her, bad and good, even though the majority is bad. i know ignorance is blissful, but for this situation, i dont know how i should feel. i want the best for my mother, so i'll take down whatever road is best for her. i just hope i don't lose my sanity along the way.

money money money

financial issues suck ass when you're broke ass poor

my broho and i have talked about our future and current situation and i feel more at ease even if nothing is really paid up yet.

property tax bills --- major wtf.
car insurance --- another wtf.
home insurance --- really?
utilities --- f me.
food --- will do =]

it's time to do business.

this is my new outlet =]

ONE MORE THING BEFORE I STFU,

a person i know told me that he understands what im going through... i dont want to reveal too much of his info but his sister is handicapped ever since she was born?.

first of all, i feel for him. must suck.

second of all, he dealt with this his whole life. i on the other hand am dealing with my mother's condition NOW!

third, now dont get me wrong, but his sis is handicapped, NOT ONE OF HIS PARENTS, who is responsible for the bill payments of the house, the utilities, the food, and etc. MY MOTHER WAS THE FUCKEN BREADWINNER OF MY FUCKEN HOUSEhold so

so once again, when he said he understands what im going through, no fucken way. his sister and my mother both played different roles in the family structure. how could he possibly understand? maybe he feels frustrated with his sister from time to time? well i dont feel the same towards my mother.

it's funny to think of myself as heart broken, not over a dickhead, but over my mother. i mean, that's some serious heart-aching. i dont think i can really get over this. this is my mother for god's sake, not some person i had a thing or two with and can be tossed over at some point.

done and so done.

microwaved brownie cookies and milk

im currently reading fruit basket, and yes a manga. i know, me reading manga, ridic. but it's pretty fun since i aint doing shit these days. i also started on harry potter numero seis!!! and im slowly and mostly off and on with chopin's the awakening <-- so condensed. what's weird is that i want to relearn basic physics. i always loved to solve the damn problems during school. and im slowly trying to teach myself chinese language. this whole paragraph makes me sound busy, but it's not, bc im doing all of this at my own leisure pace HHAHA

so about fruit basket, there's a character who is completely outwardly optimistic and friggin emo-friendly and she values what she has/had and don't really pay any attention to what she doesn't. well i do two things at once everyday. i wake up everyday and face my mom's empty bed. and i wish every so often, and then seconds later, put down myself for wishing because it only makes me more hopelessly hopeful. what happened has happened, and there's no way avoiding it.

recently, my little cousin (ironically she's my height now) went to visit my mother, her aunt. and my cousin havent seen my mother for quite a long while... my cousin cried when my mom did not answer to her greetings but only just laid there on her hospital bed looking sideway. that was painful for me to watch bc i bet my mother would grasp my cousin and hug her tight if only she could move.. i mean, i realize that this is reality and i've been hiding this reality from others who wants to know. how should i say it outloud?

also recently, my other cousin abc told me to ctfd to another one of my cousin xyz who's parents might actually go through with the divorce. well to me, my parents have been there, and done that. haha i think it's funny looking back at such hatred times, we are as a family so stupid together. i look at cousin abc, and i think her life is pretty fucken great compared to mines, her parents are the best and like each other, and both are fully functional and she lives in this great big nice house. and im whining. i cant help it.
anyways here she is, being the bigger person, cuz well she's older than me and much more mature and self controlled, telling me what to do and how to feel... she also hasnt seen my mother for a long while either. im not saying that i despise her for not making time to see my mother, im saying she prob. wont handle herself very well when she fucken sees my mother and maybe fucken understand my irrational frustration. at the same time, i kinda dont want to show her my mother because it'll just ruin her fucken day really. im kinda protecting her and everybody else who hasnt seen her recently, not that my mother is some kind of monster, but seeing her in her current status will make someone who knows her cringe in the inside.

awful remembrance

i need to learn to listen to myself even in situations where idk what the eff im suppose to do. that is why im trying to get a part time job. so i can wake the eff up and be productive.

today really sucked bad. started off good, but then turned sour. i remember feeling tired as fuck and annoyed at myself and at my aunt who kept pestering me over dim sum, and remember telling myself that this is how it's gonna be from now on, that i can no longer go anywhere out and enjoy with my mother again and not act childish to her and not confide to her when i feel like someone is annoying me, i really miss her. i really want her back and wish none of this had happen to her. now i feel like an idiot for making dumb wishes because shit, it already happened and im just volunteering myself stuck in this deep ditch. and then i thought what would my mom think of me when she sees me act this way right now? i think all of this was triggered because of...


last night before i went into deep sleep, i remember being at rehab ICU, early morning, my mother told me to not let anything happen to her when she takes a nap and i said okay to her. this was after the blood rush came out of her surgical site. i was fucken scared out of my mind and watching my mom so sleepy and vulnerable, i didnt dare show my fear.
so last night, i started to cry remembering how numb i was over the summer, how at that moment i felt so lost, again. but i couldn't because my mom needed someone she trusts to watch over her. i felt like i was carrying the weight of the world for both of us. i still feel that way.

---
i've been told all my life by countless others including my own mom that sincere mothers are very protective of their children and love them more than anything in the world and i have yet to learn that. but i think i have in a sense but towards my mother; i never knew how much i love her and rely on her guidance on life till this past summer. i never knew how much i needed her and how far i would go for her, how far i would struggle for her well being. i love her more than she will ever know.

irrational

i have an anger issue. big one. if i get upset, even just a little, i go full out, as if you havent notice. and the scary part is that i really can't control it until i resolve it on my own terms, and it's mostly irrational. but hey, it calms me the fuck down. im not trying to excuse myself; im telling you how it's done lately.

have you ever been extremely upset that you don't care if you sound stupid or not, because the small dilemma you were dealing with suddenly became this big one because you made it as one and someone else tells you to chill and that your blowing out of proportion, well i HATE hate hate that person for telling me so BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW IT'S DUMB AND I DONT NEED THE PERSON TO REITERATE MY THOUGHTS AND MAKE Me feel inferior. all i want to do is fucken rant, which im doing so perfectly well here, and if i want an advice or a put down, then i'd ask, but in the meantime, stfum.

--------
i wish there was someone out there that is going through the same friggin ordeal im going through, so i can check myself if im too hard or too lenient on myself. i really wish there was a self guide book for this matter. we've all been taught how to find answers and for this situation, there's really no definite answer which makes me maad.

---------
learning chinese characters makes me tiiiiired.

the thoughts do count

i said what i wanted to say, and now i can move on.

i think the point of me writing my previous message was me hoping for the other to let me have this one, whether it makes sense or not. and i thought about me in the other person's position and whether if i ever would let me have a go in this one. i hope that i do have a sixth sense to let go of a petty arg when someone is just acting out because s/he is deeply in pain and sorrow.

i realize that college does not teach you real life's shit, and it's not really suppose to. it's an area where you act like a sponge and the one who can soak up the most water wins. it's more like a bubble where day to day small problems are in the top of my concerns, such as homework and annoying roommates, and annoying roommates who steal food. college is like a safe haven for me, which i miss greatly.

i just finished watching knight and day movie and it's pretty good. i like the humor. i can't wait for the movie easy A.

i've been thinking a lot lately about getting a tattoo. i want one. a tattoo in text format. i prefer something plain and small font. i think i want 'good grief' and/or a quote on my arms.

lately

the utilities bills are pretty pricey

im fucking ranting... bills are an issue currently

and iono if its better if they move out or not. we'd be paying less bills and eating less salty shitty food for sure.

i think i know why

before, i've never knew why some people would commit suicide. i too never would imagine that i too will consider suicide.

dont get me wrong, just the thought of figuring out how to do it nice and easy, and might i add swiftly makes me cringe.

i've been receiving hospital bills and the rep. told me that if medical rejects the bills, theeeen the 'collectors' will give me a ring and hassle me about the bills. why hassle WHEN I AINT GOT ANY MONEY. will they send me to prison or what? give me bad credit? fuck that. bring it because my life already sucks to begin with.

i am worried. and i thought why is this all on me? im not blaming my mother for this. im just overwhelmed with all these payments and that they expect something out of me, a friggin unemployed person with no degree.

and i wondered how i can escape all of this mess, and then i thought of the idea of suicide. the idea of cutting out the drama and mess under my own control is such a simple idea. but the act of pursuing this idea through suicide is another thing. i dont think i have it in me to do such a horrendous act.

some could say that it's a cowardly way to go, but sometimes it's not, NOT WHEN YOU HAVE a couple hundred thousands that you're supposedly liable for when your adult life hasnt really begun (as in referring to my current position).
how are they, the collectors, expect something out of me when i got nothing. it's like im being cornered by a mafia, but a federal mafia. i feel hopeless. I want to hide forever. yes, they're are government beneficiaries but are they really willing to pay up for all the fees? some? let's be realistic here. this is a sticky situation that i find myself in and cannot find myself out.

it's the idea that i cannot turn to anyone for assistance. it's the feeling that having moral support and sympathy from my dear friends and family members may not cut it. it's the thought if i can go on any longer in this process. i wonder if i have any sanity left. i wonder about moving to canada cuz you know, universal healthcare. i also wonder about my future as well, am i going to make it to 30 years old with no more dealing with my mom's medical bill statements? am i ever going to get my studio art degree? Am i ever gonna gain control in this situation? am i ever gonna gain control in my life?
and the idea of cutting loose on everything was simply a wonderful bliss that lasted only for a minute.

so what you have read was just a spillage of what have gone on in my life without much gory details. so you tell me if the idea of suicide, of letting go and being free from whatever is causing you tremendous discomfort that you cannot turn to anyone anymore, sounds reasonable in my case. there are other factors that do cause me discomfort but i am not in the state to state it here for now, but the medical bills, damn, they do ache my heart.

note: im only discussing the idea of it, not the idea of actually doing it. big difference.

any day but today

im fucken tired. pissed off tired. the worse kind of tiredness feeling.

i cannot do everything all at once nor speak of it all in one peace of mind. medical pprworks. car insurance payment. driving my/others asses to visit momma. gas is pretty expensive running in and out of places.

if some sort of higher being is testing my patience, please be patient with my limited patience. im trying the best to be the best, loving daughter, niece, role model, cousin, student, sister, friend, and person but nonetheless cannot appease everybody's wishes. so ppl need to learn to shut the fuck up and leave me in one taped up piece. i do not know how much longer i can take in and in and in and in and in anymore.

and to the person who needs to shut the fuck up,
i have my own shit to deal with therefore my mom needs to learn to be independent more. and you need to shut up about analyzing feelings and speech, just shut the fuck up. it's not like you volunteer yourself to sleepover. my bro has fucken school, and is staying there and also trying his best to be a son.
i am grateful for your 100% care but please let me be still for a moment and stfu.

changing

i think i should postpone/cancel eap italy

i can go to italy anytime i want, but i only got one mom, and i intend to keep her with me as long as possible.

my mom is looking better. and im watching blind side. when i grow up, i wanna be a rich housewife

st ives apricot scrub smells yum

so good news: my bro passed his upper div writing, and is on the move to graduating next year?
bad news: my mom needs more surgery, but this time, on her epiglottis b/c she still is not able to swallow food?
and i have finals on wed and thurs morning
must get crackin. i juuust started

another sad posting

so i failed my physics lab. and the majority of the class got a C average. i thought i did well, well enough to ask my instructor if he accidentally mistyped my score online. fucken sad man. sad because i thought i passed. so i will check out my failure later on in the week.

maybe im not cut out for lab stuff. i am interested in going into research, but profs are only going to judge me on my poor grades. so maybe just do office work as a career? now im more sad, that my career options are limited due to me sucking at labs. haha

i was on victoriasecrets.com earlier and wanted to buy my sorrows away, but then i realize i aint got the money to squander my sadness away, so i decided to suck it up but i can't help moping around the house.

i keep telling myself that i shouldnt let this stupid class get me down, but i compare all the labs i've taken, and so that gets me down too. haha. i am such a sad case today.

----------------------

happier news
my bro cooked pretty well today
my cousins are here!
and my momma is doing mucho better!! that always makes me happy. =]

and i like my hair today. and i shaved. so im feeling good.

tired.

i've been running back and forth this whole week.
im sad, and stressed.
the skin around my fingers are peeling away
i forget that school is still in session

im annoyed when ppl assumes my mom is out of the hospital
hello???? she just had neurosurgery, surgical procedure involving the brain area, the central focus of the body??? does anybody make that fucken connection??

so i made up my mind, im not going to summer school. i think i'll work 3 days out of the week during summer time

im grateful to my cousin and my aunts and uncles who visits my mother, that means a lot to me, even though i don't say it out loud.

in the meantime, my mind is wrapped all over my mom's case. so i dont really give a fuck about anybody or anything else's problems. sounds selfish, but i say it like it is, i dont have any ounce of energy for anyone/-thing else.

brain flooded's brainstormings

need to call uncle ben to help me care for momma

uci or nearby college?
uci - can work, long drive, see uci fiends, not sure about housing
nearby college - SUPER CLOSE
but i need to make some money man, so uci it is i suppose

need to make barry work too since momma is gonna be out for a while

sooo should i still pay for rent at uci? my stuff is still there. i have lots of shit. move it all back home??? need to borrow uncle's truck? worse comes to worse, ask dad. don't want to. possibly leave mattress at uci since im moving into cornell soon
am i even gonna stay at uci housing for a little bit? is it worth it?
how long will it take for my momma to recover?

hmm or maybe go to elac july 6 - aug 7th--- iono if possible, didnt complete requisites
go to work in the meantime earn cash so can pay off utilities and food money
wow
this is grown up stuff

barry has summer school, he's gonna be busy man
MEE TOO!!
iono if he can handle school, work, volunteer, and caring for momma

must prioritize
we can do it
we can handle it
nothing but a thang to do do bedobedoo

okay so i'll weigh out my pros and cons later

first, must see when momma is good to go out of the hospital.

wish i had a frd to help me and sort this out with me

----
aunt spoke with me earlier, and i could hear her worrisome voice, and i dont blame her, i cant make a decent herbal drink
need uncle ben's and scott's help.

week 1: black and blue

didn't get into big muddy
so im looking forward to the other ones
if my plan A wont work, then plan B is go to summer school and learn a language and volunteer my time, and go to the beach a lot more than usual =]
so no matter what, there's always something to look forward to

tik tok on the clock, and the party isn't here

meet yves klein, a magnificently bizarro artist and

here's me starting to work towards what i wished for
finally!

wednes evening

i forgot my t.j. bought hummus at work
and need to do my envir geo hw tonight
b/c
it's due 2mrw =] morning

and im gonna apply for my internship for sure now
got my reccs down!!!!!!
i've been running all around campus today and email is the best invention ever. next to slice bread. and dildos.

for my sculpture project,
i'm going to --------- school property
AND I CANNOT WAIT!!!!
im so glad I talked to my TA about it earlier

dearest wendy

Thank you for being there. Thank you for listening. Thank you for answering the question I could not answer myself.
----
Despite the shit I went through recently, as strange as this might sound, I'm glad. I am walking forward and never to look back. What I realized after the events made me strong enough to comfort my mom of what is about to happen later on this year. I told her about never looking back and never think about the 'what if' scenarios because it only tears and wears her down.

and she thanked me.

---

today was truly a fairytale.

deep listening

You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less.

- Nhat Hanh

caramel bites

this week sucks.
my weekend sucked. i stressed the whole time. i stressed my mother and brother and others.
migraines.
didn't make it to my friend's baptism.
failed on my sculpture proj #2
failing people i love and assignments i hate sucks.

----------
it's a quarter after 11 and my car got towed.
i saw it happened. i didnt have the correct legal docs with me in order to release the towed car in time.
the funny thing is that i don't remember looking at my car being towed off out of the fucken garage.
i was swamped with fear and embarrassment. my mind was racing crazily.
----------
i like to handle my problems alone. i need time to think and sort things out myself for a while. i do not want to hear any whining, comforting words, sympathy, nor stupid suggestions from anybody at that exact moment. i need time for myself. so i walked out.
---------
earlier that night, i saw a couple of cars with fresh parking tickets before i returned back to my apt after a long lecture on engr in submarine.
i didnt feel like going out or doing anything - i just wanted to lie down and do what i do best, nothing. but my friends assumed me as the driver position and wanted to go over to one of my other frd's place to see the puppy in person. the reason i didn't want to go in the first place was b/c i was unfamiliar with parking.
well i did go. and parked somewhere with a sign before me stating i need a parking permit. i got comforting lies that everything was gonna be okay.

im so stupid. there were fucken signs telling me not to go. i should've listened to my guts. there was a fucken sign right in front of my and the passengers' face. and the parking tickets!
------------
i cried because i felt so damn ashamed and stupid. i should've trusted my instincts. but no, i had to listen to others. i should've checked the parking permit thing myself and not rely on others, cuz fuck, they ain't the drivers and it's not their car. so why the fuck should they care. i tried to calm myself down so many times but failed - i kept thinking about 'what if' - i could have avoided the situation by saying no. the situation could have been EASILY avoided if i said NO. so damn easy that im still beating myself over it. i failed myself, over something easily avoidable, and that's why i cried.



i trust myself that i will get over this soon.
-----------
today, i thought about my mom crying, crying over the divorce, over her kids, over life. and i think i finally understand the reason why she cried. she could have easily avoided this whole chaos if she rejected my father's proposal. it's so damn easy to say no.

i couldnt say no because i didnt want to upset my friends. i learned my lesson. just because im their friends, doesn't obligate me to be their constant driver. i do not know about my mom's case, but i think i understand her finally. now i need to go home and let her know that I am sorry for what has happened to her and how things turned up.

it's wendy, windy

i was a worrisome wart this past weekend
not cool on mi brain
my left side of mi brain is always the one being bruised
i need to not think ahead too much.
i realize that i am not good handling with failure
esp on my . and a friggin migraine.
i cried, and then
suck it up to make myself drive back to irvine.

i saw tarzan last night, he's so strong and supple. i want mi self a tarzan. haha. in my dreams.
and also watched peter pan, i wonder how he got to neverland in the first place. and how he met tinkerbell. and how the other pirates got there too.

-------------------------------
today i am feeling better though.
i found out later that only 3 of my classmates actually finished their mouldy assignment ... that news perked up my day a whole lot!
now imma try to mould the lollipop.
bare minimum

now i am watching mulan
im on a frenzy
my class registration is 2mrw at 8 am, i plan on taking only 3 classes, but will enroll into 4 just for kicks.

i've been researching for my eap italy trip
IM SO EXCITED
and frightened by the reality that IM ACTUALLY GONNA GO TO ROMA!!!
what the heck. it's mind blowing.

the others

hey wendy, this is weird for me also, but you ain't the only one reading my post. now others can read about my rant and my deepest darkest happiest thoughts. i don't know if I'm comfortable with this, but i will give it a try.

end of 7th week. boring, i know.

i have to make molds using plaster 2mrw in such a limited time
i've got 2mrw, sat, and sun. it's due on mon. im scared that i cannot finish it in time. i plan on making molds of these cake/pie slices.
glue styrofoam
wait for it to dry
set up mold
actually make mold
wait for it to dry
see if it's good to go
see if i have not made any mistake
then make multiple molds
wait for it to dry for each mold
then add details
paint

fuck this is gonna take time.

and i also have disc 2mrw at 3:00 pm
so i need to make sure to print out the wksht for that disc.

-------------------
i havent told my mother about the solvang trip yet
--------------------
went to subway twice. once as a hostage. the second time as a chauffeur. fuck me.

so about the second time around, i drove my classmate-friend to subway cuz she was way hungry.
i met her this qtr, like in week 4-5.
so after we got the sandwich, and i dropped her off, she asked, that next time she called, it's gonna be late and she's sorry about that ahead of time (she called me at 10:30 pm ish tonight). umm i asked myself, what would buddha do?
i did not offer her any rides for whatever 'next time' takes place and boy, does that sound shitty. but it's weird that she assumes that i will take her out to eat next time....

im just ranting. she is a really nice, cool person.

and you know, she kinda reminded me of myself a few years back - i used to think that if a person has a car, he or she will not mind driving me around here and there. but now i know. i know.
so for those who I've asked under that mindset, im sorry. i was a jerk who doesnt know any better.
i understand now how it feels to be the driver this time around.
don't get me wrong, driving is pretty fun and a really fun privilege but it does not mean it's a privilege for people to ask for rides in the middle of the freaken cold night to get late night food just because you are hungry and is just plain ol lazy to cook up your own meal.

okay, so this is a silly rant. and idk if im gonna be available 'next time'

the end of 6th week. boo-yah!

baked salmon.
ate it with cat the roomie.
delish. full.

now we are off to our next adventure: target and borders. im excited.
it's cold outside, but i don't wanna stay in.

you know, drinking makes me feel a bit at ease when im studying for an exam that is held the next day. and btw, i got a fricken A- for my envir geology exam.

and last night, i saw the movie: a bucket of blood. very pg. but the idea isn't.

2mrw imma go see vaginas. vagina monologue with cat the roomie. i can't wait.

it's raining on a sunday

i slept in, as usual

but today was supposed to be wendy-me day. we were supposed to be in dtLA. or returning from there by now. but it's raining. i am hopeful for next time when she and i are available for our next adventure.

i am watching private practice. major sad.

im gonna get my size 7 van shoes!!!!
weeeeeeeeee

----------------------------
and btw, my painting is done. done and done. leaning against my apt, my small, furniture-ful apt.